Blogging got put on the back burner

Turns out when you have a two year old it's a lot harder to find time to blog about life, probably because we're so busy just getting from day to day.

The last few months have been a whirlwind. We're definitely more and more comfortable with our little one and she has gotten so much more comfortable with us. She's even had the opportunity to meet Jennie's parents and will get a chance to meet my family. We've had a lot of firsts. Her first camping trip, her first trip to the museum, her first movie in a movie theater.  All of these firsts are so exciting to be a part of (and a bit nerve wracking before you get there, because you just don't know how it's going to go!).  We're also in a really exciting phase developmentally. Her vocabulary and understanding of speech is growing by leaps and bounds by the day. Even her voice sounds less baby like as of recently.  She is starting to develop remorse and empathy.  Apologizing for things she does that she knows she was not supposed to and telling you that she feels for you if you are hurt or sad.  It's so damn cute and amazing all at the same time.

On the flip side we're getting into an even more independent stage where she has to do everything herself. Climbing in and out of the car seat, buckling herself, dressing herself, pouring her juice.  All great things, except she sometimes lacks the dexterity necessary for the task and then has a total meltdown if you try to help her--oh toddlers!

A lot of people have been asking us questions about the long term plan. As I've been telling everyone else, we're just not sure. We're pretty confident that she is only with us for the short term fostering (not adoption) and will be returning home, we're just not sure when that will be happening. It would be so much easier if we had a solid timeline--but we knew going into things that that's just not the case. So we continue to love on her and provider her with what she needs and when it's time to transition her home that's what we'll do. Of course we'll be heartbroken and need to work through some grief, but that's what support group is for.  We find solace in knowing that we are having some huge impacts in the formation of her neural pathways in her brain and that the stable foundation we're providing will do her well in life.

On another front, we've continued trying to get pregnant through this whole process--which let me tell you is a whole lot more difficult when working around a busy wedding photography season and a toddler's sleep schedule.  The whole thing has been a lot less romantic as well and goes something like this:
J: I'm going to ovulate in the next 48 hours.
H: Great, let's email the donor.
J: Okay, but I'm only available during these two very narrow time slots.
H: Great. Our donor can come over during one of those times.

Donor arrives, we take the baby and pets on a drive or go grocery shopping. We return home after the donor leaves.

H: Okay, cool, I'll put the baby to sleep.
J: Great, I'll go try to get pregnant.
H: Good luck, love you.
J: Love you.

End Scene.

Not exactly how we started this journey two years ago, but the whole process has become a lot less fun.  We started trying two years ago this month and had really unrealistic expectations. We thought for sure we'd get pregnant in the first few tries. I mean come on. We calculated everything down to the day and put everything where it needed to be and voila!  Not exactly. Each month we inseminate we have a 14 day window where we try to keep our cool and not get too excited.  And each month we've been disappointed.  Although we've been trying for two years, we've really only inseminated about 14 months because of time off and breaks.  I have to say at this point we're exhausted. There is very little excitement for Jennie each month to start tracking her ovulation again. The whole process has started to feel more like an obligation or chore than the initial excitement we had. Thank God we have a donor who has been so awesome. Totally willing to accommodate our hectic schedules and continue showing up.

Let me tell you, we have spent many a night talking and crying and talking some more about our lives. Maybe we're not meant to have kids. Maybe that's not in the cards. Maybe we're happy just the two of us with our pets and fostering babies.  Maybe we'll adopt through foster care. Maybe we should start looking at private adoption. What about IVF? What are we doing wrong? Why hasn't it happened yet?

So many questions.

And we always come back to wanting to build a family together.  We both actually really want a large family.  A family that will be full of love. When we look into the future we see holidays full of adult children and our future grand children.  We see laughter, love, and of course the occasional struggle or heartache.  But we always see a large family.  We're not sure what that means or how we're going to get there, but I'm confident it's in the cards.  

As of right now, we've decided to put trying to get pregnant on hold for a few months.  We're looking at a few different options and frankly we're happy with our little (temporary) family right now. Once we have an idea of the direction we're headed we'll let you all know. But for now we're going to continue to enjoy our summer and just not stress about it.

We'll be taking our first flight with a toddler later this month so that she can meet my family.  Wish us luck!

Here's hoping you have some time to enjoy the summer and sunshine.