My Thoughts on Pregnancy

Before I write this I just want to say I understand that many people are unable to get pregnant, struggle for years (I mean look at Jennie) and want nothing more than to be pregnant. I get that. But I unfortunately had a really rough pregnancy and although I was excited for the baby at the end of it all--I hated being pregnant.

I have two words for you--Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG). Have you heard of it? Probably not, I hadn't either. It only affects an estimated 2% of pregnant people--and guess who fell into that lucky 2%. I've known a lot of people who have been pregnant in my life and not one of them told me that you could be sick your entire pregnancy. HG is a condition characterized by severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss, and electrolyte disturbance. Mild cases are treated with dietary changes, rest and antacids. More severe cases often require a stay in the hospital. The day that I hit six weeks pregnant I started vomiting. It was all day, every day--up to 10-15 times. I thought this was normal morning sickness until I started to ask around. Apparently most people just feel nauseous in their first trimester but don't actually throw up.

Our first appointment with the midwives I was lucky enough that the midwife we saw prescribed me Diclegis. Diclegis is basically a Unisom/B6 blend and is helpful with nausea and vomiting. At this point I was only 8 weeks pregnant and still thought I just had bad morning sickness--I still hadn't heard of HG. As my pregnancy progressed I looked forward to the end of the first trimester, I figured just like everyone else I knew my nausea and vomiting would let up. Boy was I wrong. The first trimester came and went and I was still sick.  I hoped that with each new week I'd get some relief--I didn't understand why I was so sick. Even on the Diclegis I was still vomiting 3-5 times a day. I tried every home remedy there was for "morning sickness" and nothing worked. As gross and odd as it may sound some of the only food I could keep down were McDonald's cheeseburgers and Coke Zero. Water even made me nauseous.

I had a few days here and there once I hit about 20 weeks that I wasn't throwing up so I thought maybe it was finally gone and stopped taking the Diclegis for a day. That was a horrible mistake. Any time I tried to stop taking it or forgot to refill my prescription I spent all day vomiting.  I honestly had not idea what was wrong. When I saw the midwives they just told me that some people are sick their entire pregnancy. It wasn't until I was venting on Facebook about how sick I was that someone invited me to a Facebook group for people with HG. It was like I found the holy land. Suddenly I was with a group of over 8,000 members who were going through what I was going through, I no longer felt alone and I had a name for what was happening.

I was never officially diagnosed with HG. But given everything I've read I believe I had mild/moderate HG.  There are so many pregnant people who suffer so much worse than me. They have to get at home IV's or spend a ton of time in the ER for dehydration and other complications. I do find it fortunate that all I really had to deal with was nausea and vomiting. I did lose some weight in the first 10 weeks of pregnancy, but not extreme weight loss like some people. I always forced myself to eat even though I knew it was going to come up later because I knew that baby needed nutrients. When you have HG you learn what foods and drinks are your safe foods. I could only ever eat a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, anything else came up. And as strange as it sounds I could only drink water until about 4:00pm and then it made me nauseous.

I was vomiting for almost 32 weeks straight. One of the longest stretches I went without vomiting was 8 days, and it was a glorious 8 days. Being that sick was debilitating. I could hardly function enough to get myself showered and to work. It was so hard to care for an infant/toddler during this time or really do anything other than lay down or sleep. I'm so grateful that I had Jennie to help take care of not only me, but Baby M, the dogs, and the house. I'm not sure what I would have done without her.

I don't think that I could ever handle being pregnant again. Jennie and I were just talking the other night and thinking about other ways to grow our family, but we did say that if I needed to get pregnant in the future we'd have to have more medical intervention--stronger medications--because there is no way I can just suck it up for the entire pregnancy again.

I wish that I could say pregnancy was all rainbows and unicorns, but it's not. It's tough. Luckily for me I didn't have too many other pregnancy ailments to deal with, but I would have traded a sore back for vomiting any day.

324 days of sunshine

October 12th 2016 was by far one of the toughest days of our lives. We knew as the day was approaching that it was going to be rough, but I'm not sure you can really prepare for what it feels like to lose your baby. Losing a child is really the only way that I can describe what it feels like to have a foster child return home after nearly a year. After 324 days of smiles and laughter, 324 days of diapers and bottles, 324 days of hugs and goodnight kisses, saying goodbye for good is the hardest thing you can imagine. This transition in particular was tough for us. I think it was a combination of several things. His age, the length of the placement, and how quickly things shifted from a potential adoption to him returning home. I feel like we were led in one direction only to have the rug pulled out from under us.

Typically in a case when a child is going to transition home you have a decent amount of notice. However, in this case, we really only had a couple weeks notice that he would be moving. From the moment we found out he'd be leaving we were a mess. We cried a lot and I kept having panic attacks--we just couldn't imagine our life without him. The entire time I was pregnant with E we were planning on having two kids. We talked a lot about what it was going to be like to have a 15 month old and a newborn and suddenly that wasn't going to be the case.

The 324 days that we had with baby M were some of the most amazing days we've had. Jennie and I were both totally in love with him as soon as he moved in. Honestly it was pretty wild how quickly we feel in love with him. He was a super chill and happy little baby and made parenting really easy for us. We had a lot of fun as a family and created a lot of amazing memories.

Now that it's been a month since he moved out I'm starting to be able to look at pictures of him and watch videos of him again. They bring a lot of happiness and joy, as well as a twinge of sadness, but that's starting to lessen.

I'm sitting here with my beautiful baby E cuddled up on my chest sleeping and I'm so happy, but it doesn't take away the loss that I feel for baby M. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about sweet baby M. I would give anything to have him back home with us, but I know that's not what being a foster parent is about. I have to have faith that the 324 days that we had with him set him up for success in his future. That even though he won't remember us or these 324 days in the traditional sense that he'll remember the love and security that we provided him.

Baby M is the happiest kid I've ever met. He greets everyday with a smile and has the world's best laugh. I hope that he continues to see the bright side of life and laughs every day. If you were lucky enough to get to meet him I'm so glad. If you didn't get the chance here's a small clip of his life with us :)