324 days of sunshine

October 12th 2016 was by far one of the toughest days of our lives. We knew as the day was approaching that it was going to be rough, but I'm not sure you can really prepare for what it feels like to lose your baby. Losing a child is really the only way that I can describe what it feels like to have a foster child return home after nearly a year. After 324 days of smiles and laughter, 324 days of diapers and bottles, 324 days of hugs and goodnight kisses, saying goodbye for good is the hardest thing you can imagine. This transition in particular was tough for us. I think it was a combination of several things. His age, the length of the placement, and how quickly things shifted from a potential adoption to him returning home. I feel like we were led in one direction only to have the rug pulled out from under us.

Typically in a case when a child is going to transition home you have a decent amount of notice. However, in this case, we really only had a couple weeks notice that he would be moving. From the moment we found out he'd be leaving we were a mess. We cried a lot and I kept having panic attacks--we just couldn't imagine our life without him. The entire time I was pregnant with E we were planning on having two kids. We talked a lot about what it was going to be like to have a 15 month old and a newborn and suddenly that wasn't going to be the case.

The 324 days that we had with baby M were some of the most amazing days we've had. Jennie and I were both totally in love with him as soon as he moved in. Honestly it was pretty wild how quickly we feel in love with him. He was a super chill and happy little baby and made parenting really easy for us. We had a lot of fun as a family and created a lot of amazing memories.

Now that it's been a month since he moved out I'm starting to be able to look at pictures of him and watch videos of him again. They bring a lot of happiness and joy, as well as a twinge of sadness, but that's starting to lessen.

I'm sitting here with my beautiful baby E cuddled up on my chest sleeping and I'm so happy, but it doesn't take away the loss that I feel for baby M. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about sweet baby M. I would give anything to have him back home with us, but I know that's not what being a foster parent is about. I have to have faith that the 324 days that we had with him set him up for success in his future. That even though he won't remember us or these 324 days in the traditional sense that he'll remember the love and security that we provided him.

Baby M is the happiest kid I've ever met. He greets everyday with a smile and has the world's best laugh. I hope that he continues to see the bright side of life and laughs every day. If you were lucky enough to get to meet him I'm so glad. If you didn't get the chance here's a small clip of his life with us :)