Who Will Carry?

One really interesting question that you have to ask yourself in a lesbian relationship that most other couples don't have the option of asking is "who will carry the baby?" In most relationships there is no question of who will get pregnant, it's usually predetermined by which of the partners has the uterus. Fortunate for us though, we have options.

Most of you who know me know that my whole life I have wanted babies. I've always loved babies and kids. I was the little kid that had babies (not dolls) and carried them around with me constantly. I was also the designated family babysitter for all of my little cousins, and I loved it. Another thing that many of you know is that even though I've always wanted babies, I've never actually wanted to have the babies! As far back as I can remember I never wanted to actually give birth to the children that I knew I would have some day (perhaps I knew at an early age there was something different about me). Before I came out as a lesbian, I remember telling friends that I would likely adopt or go about creating my family in some way that did not involve me being pregnant or birthing a child.  After I came out and began dating Jennie and learned that she would love to carry a baby, my problem of how to have babies without actually having them solved itself. Just one of the many joys of being a lesbian ;)

It wasn't until very recently that I started to question whether or not I wanted to actually have a baby. Last Fall I volunteered to be a surrogate for a lesbian couple friend of ours who had been struggling for several years to start their family. I underwent a TON of testing and started a regimen of vitamins and hormones to prepare my body for  carrying a baby. I know some of you are probably thinking, wait a minute, I thought she just said she never wanted to carry a baby.  Well you're right, but in this situation I saw it like this--I am young and have this ability to carry a child, why let it go to waste if I can help someone else out who can't have a baby. I know that logic might seem strange or not make sense to you, but it made sense to Jennie and I. 

Only a week away from diving in and doing the embryo transfer, the intended parents had a 6 month old baby placed with them through the foster care system--and it looks like this baby may end up with them permanently so they called off the surrogacy. I wasn't sure how to feel when this happened. I was elated for them that they had a beautiful baby in their care, but I also worried that this placement could fall through and then they would no longer have a child. Surprisingly, I experienced a feeling of loss and sadness that I did not at all expect. I think I had prepared myself so much for carrying a baby that it was disappointing that it wasn't going to happen. After that is the first time I ever started thinking "hey, maybe I do want to do this whole having a baby thing."

Jennie and I chatted and decided that maybe I should be the one to carry our first child and that she could do the others (if we're blessed to have more than one).  So for the past 4 months or so I've been wrapping my head around the idea of me being the one to have the baby.  I thought for sure that was what I wanted, but the more real this all gets and the closer the first IUI gets, the more I begin second guessing myself.  I was fine carrying a baby as a surrogate and handing the child off to the intended parents in the end, but this feels different.  I don't think I'm interested in all the weird/awkward stuff that comes along with actually giving birth to my own child.  One of the main things that freaks me out is breast feeding. This is something that Jennie and I have talked extensively about and think that (if possible) we want breast feeding to be a priority for our children. HOWEVER, the idea of me breast feeding a baby totally weirds me out--it freaks me out when women I work with or interact with announce that they need to leave a meeting to go pump. I'm not sure what it is, but there are just parts of being the woman who carries that don't interest me.

So after thinking for quite some time that I would be the one to carry, we've switched back to what had always been--Jennie is going to be the one to carry our babies. Who knows, maybe we'll switch it up again or I'll have some strong urge to carry our next baby, but as of now that's the plan.

As far as where we're at in the process, we're going to begin observing Jennie's ovulation soon and get her on some prenatal vitamins.  We need to sit down and order our sperm (odd to think about that!) and decide just how we want to go about this insemination process. Some people swear by the IUI at the doctors and others keep telling us that it's a waste of money and we should just do it at home.  So we're discussing and weighing our options.  We're hoping to begin the process in June, so with any luck we could all be welcoming Baby Crate into the world this time next year!