Hard to believe that we've had a baby in our house for the last three months! Honestly the whole journey has been pretty smooth so far. We have to say that as far as babies go we seriously hit the jackpot. Our little guy is happy 99% of the time--smiling, laughing, growling. Really the only time he cries is if he's hungry or tired.
It's been pretty cool to see all of the development over the last three months. He's now 7 months old. Since moving in he's grown hair on the top of his head, gained almost 3 pounds, grown a few inches, and now has 1 tooth fully in and another that's just broken the surface. He's starting to engage so much more. He likes to grab anything that is within reach (including pulling out earrings) and has started to "talk" a lot more. At this point he's mostly saying "ba ba ba ba ba". He's also started pulling himself up into a standing position. He has pretty much preferred standing over sitting or laying since day one, but now he's really trying to get moving!
He's also been eating solid food for a little over a month now, although really just over the last few weeks he's gotten onto more of a breakfast, lunch, dinner schedule. He seems to prefer orange foods (sweet potatoes, carrots, peaches), he also loves bananas. Lately he's been loving the little puffs that he can pick up on his own. It's kind of funny to watch him get them into his hands and try so hard to get them into his mouth :)
We're still working on trying to get him to sleep for longer stretches at night. We've been working on getting him back to sleep without feeding him or picking him up too many times in the night. We've had mixed success. Sometimes he'll go back to sleep but other times he won't and so we have to feed him. We've had some nights where he's slept for 6 hour stretches which has been nice.
Overall, we've loved having this little nugget in the house and the addition feels like a natural part of our family. We're hoping that he gets to stay for a while.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
The quest for baby Crate continues
As you all hopefully remember we decided back in November that we would look at what it would take for me to get pregnant instead of Jennie. I don't ovulate regularly, so we knew the journey would be a bit more complicated, but after a lot of blood work and a few trips to the reproductive endocrinologist it looked like it wouldn't be too difficult.
It turns out it's harder to make me ovulate than we'd originally anticipated, not impossible though, which is important! I had to try three rounds of medications, upping the dosage each time before my follicles finally grew to the appropriate size, meaning I would ovulate. Each time I had to take the medication for 5 days and then go in for an ultrasound for them to look at my follicles. I do have to say that as a person who only ovulates 1-2 times a year, having to deal with the additional hormones from the medication is not fun! Because my follicles were not growing in size I was starting to lose hope, but then the third round it worked! So at the beginning of January we did our first insemination with me. Jennie was out of town on the insemination day which kind of sucked, but it was still really exciting to think that I might be getting pregnant this month. Unfortunately it didn't work--but it was only the first try!
It turns out it's harder to make me ovulate than we'd originally anticipated, not impossible though, which is important! I had to try three rounds of medications, upping the dosage each time before my follicles finally grew to the appropriate size, meaning I would ovulate. Each time I had to take the medication for 5 days and then go in for an ultrasound for them to look at my follicles. I do have to say that as a person who only ovulates 1-2 times a year, having to deal with the additional hormones from the medication is not fun! Because my follicles were not growing in size I was starting to lose hope, but then the third round it worked! So at the beginning of January we did our first insemination with me. Jennie was out of town on the insemination day which kind of sucked, but it was still really exciting to think that I might be getting pregnant this month. Unfortunately it didn't work--but it was only the first try!
I have to say the 14 day waiting period between when you inseminate and when you find out if you're pregnant or not is pretty treacherous. The entire time you are over analyzing every stomach grumble, uterine cramp and temperature change. I swore for those 14 days I was having to go pee way more often than I usually do and so I thought that was a sign that I might be pregnant. It's really easy to get your hopes up over those 14 days, but also I would constantly try to tell myself that the chances of it working the first try were pretty low.
Day 14 was a bit rough as I learned I wasn't pregnant--I was expecting it, but I also really wanted to be pregnant. There was also a sense of grief as we've been trying for so long. I continue to remind myself that this was only the first try and that for most people it takes up to 6 tries before they're pregnant. I'll continue to take the meds and we'll continue trying until one day it does work. And if that doesn't work we'll continue to explore other options for creating our forever family.
Fortunately for us we have an amazing 6 month old at home who we get to love on and cherish for the time being, which helps with managing the grief of not being pregnant.
Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement, especially our amazing donor and his family. I know the road to parenthood has been messy for a lot of you and your stories continue to provide us hope.
Monday, December 21, 2015
The transition from toddler hood
So to no ones surprise there are a lot of differences between toddlers and infants. Some are good and some are not so good.
Pros
Toddlers sleep 10-12 hours a night and take a good long nap at a predicted time.
Toddlers can play and color and talk and interact.
Our toddler was potty trained and before that didn't go through a TON of diapers.
Infants can't yell at you.
Infants are so tiny and cute!
Jennie and I can be affectionate without a toddler melting down and getting jealous.
With both a toddler and an infant you get to see them learn every minute of every day.
Our big dog is more fond of an infant than an unpredictable toddler.
Cons
Infants don't sleep through the night--although we've gotten some 5 hour stretches!
Infants go through a TON of diapers.
Our little one only takes short cat naps during the day and wants to be held while he's sleeping.
You have to do way more laundry.
You have to run the dishwasher a couple times a day for all the bottles.
Toddlers have huge meltdowns and scream and cry.
Our little dog is super jealous of all the time the baby gets held.
Infants spit up and slobber a ton.
We have decided overall that we prefer babies much more. It just seems much more natural to us and easier. If we have him with us into toddler hood we might feel differently :)
We did get a text from our previous little one's mom with a picture saying she was doing well so that was really special.
Pros
Toddlers sleep 10-12 hours a night and take a good long nap at a predicted time.
Toddlers can play and color and talk and interact.
Our toddler was potty trained and before that didn't go through a TON of diapers.
Infants can't yell at you.
Infants are so tiny and cute!
Jennie and I can be affectionate without a toddler melting down and getting jealous.
With both a toddler and an infant you get to see them learn every minute of every day.
Our big dog is more fond of an infant than an unpredictable toddler.
Cons
Infants don't sleep through the night--although we've gotten some 5 hour stretches!
Infants go through a TON of diapers.
Our little one only takes short cat naps during the day and wants to be held while he's sleeping.
You have to do way more laundry.
You have to run the dishwasher a couple times a day for all the bottles.
Toddlers have huge meltdowns and scream and cry.
Our little dog is super jealous of all the time the baby gets held.
Infants spit up and slobber a ton.
We have decided overall that we prefer babies much more. It just seems much more natural to us and easier. If we have him with us into toddler hood we might feel differently :)
We did get a text from our previous little one's mom with a picture saying she was doing well so that was really special.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
We now have a 5 month old
So on the 12th our little one turned 5 months! Unfortunately we can't share the really cute photos with you, but we do have this one!
So far 5 months has been pretty exciting. Our guy is a little on the small side. He weighs 14 pounds and is 24.5" long. His weight is in the 10th-25th percentile and his length is in the 3rd percentile.
He loves to smile and laugh and play with his rings and oball. His hobbies include drooling, eating his bibs, and screeching like a raptor. We also got him this really awesome exersaucer/bouncer, but unfortunately his legs are a bit short for him to bounce yet, but he's trying. He's also starting to roll over to one side, although hasn't completely rolled over. He can sit up with just a little bit of assistance.
Life is pretty wonderful in the Crate household!
So far 5 months has been pretty exciting. Our guy is a little on the small side. He weighs 14 pounds and is 24.5" long. His weight is in the 10th-25th percentile and his length is in the 3rd percentile.
He loves to smile and laugh and play with his rings and oball. His hobbies include drooling, eating his bibs, and screeching like a raptor. We also got him this really awesome exersaucer/bouncer, but unfortunately his legs are a bit short for him to bounce yet, but he's trying. He's also starting to roll over to one side, although hasn't completely rolled over. He can sit up with just a little bit of assistance.
Life is pretty wonderful in the Crate household!
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Four Days Off
So turns out we were only off parenting duties for four days. Luckily Jennie and I took advantage and had several dates in our time off. We did a paint and sip wine class, went to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and had one of our favorite Red Box, popcorn, candy and soda dates at home.
Monday, November 23rd started out like any other day--although not really because I had a follow up with my specialist about my back to talk about next steps. It seemed the only remaining option (other than sucking it up for who knows how long) was surgery. I was told they wouldn't be able to get me into surgery until January unless I took a spot that had just opened up on December 1st. So while at the office I was texting Jennie and sort of just took a leap of faith and hoped that we could figure it all out for me to have surgery December 1st. Jennie and I chatted over the phone on my way into the office after my appointment, trying to figure out the logistics involved in having surgery and what it would mean that I couldn't bend, twist, or lift anything more than 10-15 pounds for three weeks. We knew walking our 90 lbs dog would be an issue and that we'd need some help. So I called my mom and sister in law to see if either of them could come down and help us out for a few days. It turned out that my sister in law could come from December 1st-5th which would be a huge help. Once I started to feel somewhat settled with the idea of having surgery on December first and let my supervisor and employee know, I got a phone call from Housing and Human Services.
When I got the call telling me they had a placement available I was fully prepared to say no and that we were on a break until January. We had told them that unless there was an infant available we would wait until January to consider placements. Our caseworker had warned us that even though we said we were on a break they would still probably call us for an older child. But then when the worker told me he was 4 months old my jaw almost hit the floor. So much went through my head. My initial thought was "yay! a baby!" and then I was like "wait, I just scheduled back surgery" and "are we ready for this so close to our last little one leaving?". So I asked them to let me give Jennie a call and talk it through with her before we made a decision. I tried to call Jennie several times and she wasn't answering so I was sending her texts to call me back.
When Jennie finally called me she was like "I don't know...are we emotionally ready." I'm pretty sure my response to every question was "but it's a baby!". I was also a bit freaked out and wondering what kinds of changes this was going to mean, but we decided that we would go ahead and accept the placement so I called them back. They asked when I could be home and so I told them to give me an hour so that I could get a car seat! Luckily we have a great network of other foster families to call upon. Within just a few hours we had a car seat, bottles, bibs, some toys and a carrier. We had a fair amount of clothing already that we had bought in anticipation of placements. He came with some formula, a few diapers, and a little bit of clothing so that helped too.
I had a few hours alone before Jennie got home from work and I just kept thinking "holy hell, there is a baby in my house." It was pretty amazing because really for the last few days I had been joking with Jennie that I wanted a baby for Christmas. Jennie didn't tell me this until she got home and saw the baby and instantly fell in love with him that she was SUPER freaked out for the last few hours. She didn't know what we were getting into, and honestly neither did I.
The first 48 hours were a bit of a blur. We had taken an infant care class and I had babysat some infants, but we were so engrossed in the land of toddler hood that we had a lot of adjustments. It was just before thanksgiving so that was a good thing because we had Thursday and Friday off of work, but also a challenge because we had a lot to figure out in just a few days--figuring out daycare, setting up a physical, getting all the baby supplies we needed. We also didn't know how long he would be with us because the first thing the agency had to do was to search for any family or friends who could foster him. We were having mixed feelings about this. Ultimately we thought it would be best for him to be with someone he knew, but also we sort of hope they wouldn't find anyone. Turns out they weren't able to locate anyone so they said we should expect to have him at least 3-6 months.
I can't really explain how it feels to have a baby dropped off at your house with only a couple hours notice--most people have at least 9 months to prepare. We didn't know much except that he didn't have any medical needs and seemed healthy. We didn't know what size diapers he wore, what kind of bottles he liked, if he used a pacifier, his sleep patterns, or really anything. I remember asking the intake worker who dropped him off if she knew what size diaper he wore and she didn't, and then I was like "do you know how much he weighs?" and she didn't. So when we bought our first pack of diapers we guestimated, and were right! Turns out at his physical he weighed 14 lbs.
We are so thankful to all of our friends and networks who have supported us in lending or giving us so many awesome baby supplies--from clothes, to diapers, to bottles and more.
I'm happy to report that two weeks out from surgery I'm feeling pretty great. I think I did a bit too much in the first week with picking up the baby, but now have been taking it much easier. Unfortunately for Jennie that means she's had to get up in the middle of the night for feedings for the last two weeks. I was able to take on the last two nights because she wasn't feeling well. I did not realize how good I had it! I had done all the night shifts leading up to surgery because we knew I'd be out of commission, but sleeping through the night the last 13 days was awesome!
Monday, November 23rd started out like any other day--although not really because I had a follow up with my specialist about my back to talk about next steps. It seemed the only remaining option (other than sucking it up for who knows how long) was surgery. I was told they wouldn't be able to get me into surgery until January unless I took a spot that had just opened up on December 1st. So while at the office I was texting Jennie and sort of just took a leap of faith and hoped that we could figure it all out for me to have surgery December 1st. Jennie and I chatted over the phone on my way into the office after my appointment, trying to figure out the logistics involved in having surgery and what it would mean that I couldn't bend, twist, or lift anything more than 10-15 pounds for three weeks. We knew walking our 90 lbs dog would be an issue and that we'd need some help. So I called my mom and sister in law to see if either of them could come down and help us out for a few days. It turned out that my sister in law could come from December 1st-5th which would be a huge help. Once I started to feel somewhat settled with the idea of having surgery on December first and let my supervisor and employee know, I got a phone call from Housing and Human Services.
When I got the call telling me they had a placement available I was fully prepared to say no and that we were on a break until January. We had told them that unless there was an infant available we would wait until January to consider placements. Our caseworker had warned us that even though we said we were on a break they would still probably call us for an older child. But then when the worker told me he was 4 months old my jaw almost hit the floor. So much went through my head. My initial thought was "yay! a baby!" and then I was like "wait, I just scheduled back surgery" and "are we ready for this so close to our last little one leaving?". So I asked them to let me give Jennie a call and talk it through with her before we made a decision. I tried to call Jennie several times and she wasn't answering so I was sending her texts to call me back.
When Jennie finally called me she was like "I don't know...are we emotionally ready." I'm pretty sure my response to every question was "but it's a baby!". I was also a bit freaked out and wondering what kinds of changes this was going to mean, but we decided that we would go ahead and accept the placement so I called them back. They asked when I could be home and so I told them to give me an hour so that I could get a car seat! Luckily we have a great network of other foster families to call upon. Within just a few hours we had a car seat, bottles, bibs, some toys and a carrier. We had a fair amount of clothing already that we had bought in anticipation of placements. He came with some formula, a few diapers, and a little bit of clothing so that helped too.
I had a few hours alone before Jennie got home from work and I just kept thinking "holy hell, there is a baby in my house." It was pretty amazing because really for the last few days I had been joking with Jennie that I wanted a baby for Christmas. Jennie didn't tell me this until she got home and saw the baby and instantly fell in love with him that she was SUPER freaked out for the last few hours. She didn't know what we were getting into, and honestly neither did I.
The first 48 hours were a bit of a blur. We had taken an infant care class and I had babysat some infants, but we were so engrossed in the land of toddler hood that we had a lot of adjustments. It was just before thanksgiving so that was a good thing because we had Thursday and Friday off of work, but also a challenge because we had a lot to figure out in just a few days--figuring out daycare, setting up a physical, getting all the baby supplies we needed. We also didn't know how long he would be with us because the first thing the agency had to do was to search for any family or friends who could foster him. We were having mixed feelings about this. Ultimately we thought it would be best for him to be with someone he knew, but also we sort of hope they wouldn't find anyone. Turns out they weren't able to locate anyone so they said we should expect to have him at least 3-6 months.
I can't really explain how it feels to have a baby dropped off at your house with only a couple hours notice--most people have at least 9 months to prepare. We didn't know much except that he didn't have any medical needs and seemed healthy. We didn't know what size diapers he wore, what kind of bottles he liked, if he used a pacifier, his sleep patterns, or really anything. I remember asking the intake worker who dropped him off if she knew what size diaper he wore and she didn't, and then I was like "do you know how much he weighs?" and she didn't. So when we bought our first pack of diapers we guestimated, and were right! Turns out at his physical he weighed 14 lbs.
We are so thankful to all of our friends and networks who have supported us in lending or giving us so many awesome baby supplies--from clothes, to diapers, to bottles and more.
I'm happy to report that two weeks out from surgery I'm feeling pretty great. I think I did a bit too much in the first week with picking up the baby, but now have been taking it much easier. Unfortunately for Jennie that means she's had to get up in the middle of the night for feedings for the last two weeks. I was able to take on the last two nights because she wasn't feeling well. I did not realize how good I had it! I had done all the night shifts leading up to surgery because we knew I'd be out of commission, but sleeping through the night the last 13 days was awesome!
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
225 Days
Our little one went home to her family today. She lived with us for 225 days, that's a long time in the life of a 2.5 year old. We're actually doing alright today. We had a couple weeks to get used to the idea and process what was going on. I was having a really hard time with the thought that I would never see this little person ever again or know what kind of person she turns into. I'm hopeful that her family will keep in touch, but also know that we shouldn't expect that. We were all pretty prepared for this transition, she'd actually been going to be with her family 2-3 days a week for almost three months anyway. As soon as she came home from a visit last Friday she was ready to move with her family. She kept saying things like "I have to go home forever" and getting upset that she was still with us. It was sort of hard to spend our last five days together with her so ready to leave, but she seemed to be okay with us telling her that her house wasn't ready yet and they were still getting her room ready. She was really excited this morning to be going home, but we also had a nice few minutes of hugs and kisses at daycare this morning when we dropped her off.
It's definitely going to feel a bit empty here for a while until we have our next placement. We told the caseworkers that unless there is an infant that needs care, we're going to take a break until January at least.
We're officially parents now, although we're not currently parenting...kind of a strange concept. We've learned a lot over the last 225 days about ourselves, about each other, about us as a unit and what it means to be parents and have a family. I've learned that I'm actually a lot more patient with wild toddler behavior than I thought I would be. For some reason I can sit through meltdowns and freak outs and stay calm and talk them through it--here's hoping that zen continues for the next kids. I've also learned that I love having a kid. I love all of the little stuff like playing at the playground, reading books, going to the zoo, having impromptu dance parties, and cuddles, lots and lots of cuddles.
As far as our efforts to try and start our family with our donor, Jennie and I have been talking about what it would mean for me to get pregnant. I went to the reproductive endocronologist to have a bajillion tests done and it looks like I'd just need a medication to make me ovulate and then we'll continue to try at home as we had been with Jennie. However, before we start down that path I need to figure out my back pain. I have a herniated disc with a fragment torn off on my lower right side that is pushing on my nerves and causing a ton of pain down my right leg. I have a consultation for surgery on Monday and am hoping to have the surgery done before the end of the year. They just need to go in and remove the fragment that has broken off and that should get rid of the pain. Here's hoping I get that taken care of soon and we can start trying to start a family again.
Sorry it's been so long since we updated, but we'll update once we have any news on another placement.
It's definitely going to feel a bit empty here for a while until we have our next placement. We told the caseworkers that unless there is an infant that needs care, we're going to take a break until January at least.
We're officially parents now, although we're not currently parenting...kind of a strange concept. We've learned a lot over the last 225 days about ourselves, about each other, about us as a unit and what it means to be parents and have a family. I've learned that I'm actually a lot more patient with wild toddler behavior than I thought I would be. For some reason I can sit through meltdowns and freak outs and stay calm and talk them through it--here's hoping that zen continues for the next kids. I've also learned that I love having a kid. I love all of the little stuff like playing at the playground, reading books, going to the zoo, having impromptu dance parties, and cuddles, lots and lots of cuddles.
As far as our efforts to try and start our family with our donor, Jennie and I have been talking about what it would mean for me to get pregnant. I went to the reproductive endocronologist to have a bajillion tests done and it looks like I'd just need a medication to make me ovulate and then we'll continue to try at home as we had been with Jennie. However, before we start down that path I need to figure out my back pain. I have a herniated disc with a fragment torn off on my lower right side that is pushing on my nerves and causing a ton of pain down my right leg. I have a consultation for surgery on Monday and am hoping to have the surgery done before the end of the year. They just need to go in and remove the fragment that has broken off and that should get rid of the pain. Here's hoping I get that taken care of soon and we can start trying to start a family again.
Sorry it's been so long since we updated, but we'll update once we have any news on another placement.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Blogging got put on the back burner
Turns out when you have a two year old it's a lot harder to find time to blog about life, probably because we're so busy just getting from day to day.
The last few months have been a whirlwind. We're definitely more and more comfortable with our little one and she has gotten so much more comfortable with us. She's even had the opportunity to meet Jennie's parents and will get a chance to meet my family. We've had a lot of firsts. Her first camping trip, her first trip to the museum, her first movie in a movie theater. All of these firsts are so exciting to be a part of (and a bit nerve wracking before you get there, because you just don't know how it's going to go!). We're also in a really exciting phase developmentally. Her vocabulary and understanding of speech is growing by leaps and bounds by the day. Even her voice sounds less baby like as of recently. She is starting to develop remorse and empathy. Apologizing for things she does that she knows she was not supposed to and telling you that she feels for you if you are hurt or sad. It's so damn cute and amazing all at the same time.
On the flip side we're getting into an even more independent stage where she has to do everything herself. Climbing in and out of the car seat, buckling herself, dressing herself, pouring her juice. All great things, except she sometimes lacks the dexterity necessary for the task and then has a total meltdown if you try to help her--oh toddlers!
A lot of people have been asking us questions about the long term plan. As I've been telling everyone else, we're just not sure. We're pretty confident that she is only with us for the short term fostering (not adoption) and will be returning home, we're just not sure when that will be happening. It would be so much easier if we had a solid timeline--but we knew going into things that that's just not the case. So we continue to love on her and provider her with what she needs and when it's time to transition her home that's what we'll do. Of course we'll be heartbroken and need to work through some grief, but that's what support group is for. We find solace in knowing that we are having some huge impacts in the formation of her neural pathways in her brain and that the stable foundation we're providing will do her well in life.
On another front, we've continued trying to get pregnant through this whole process--which let me tell you is a whole lot more difficult when working around a busy wedding photography season and a toddler's sleep schedule. The whole thing has been a lot less romantic as well and goes something like this:
J: I'm going to ovulate in the next 48 hours.
H: Great, let's email the donor.
J: Okay, but I'm only available during these two very narrow time slots.
H: Great. Our donor can come over during one of those times.
Donor arrives, we take the baby and pets on a drive or go grocery shopping. We return home after the donor leaves.
H: Okay, cool, I'll put the baby to sleep.
J: Great, I'll go try to get pregnant.
H: Good luck, love you.
J: Love you.
End Scene.
Not exactly how we started this journey two years ago, but the whole process has become a lot less fun. We started trying two years ago this month and had really unrealistic expectations. We thought for sure we'd get pregnant in the first few tries. I mean come on. We calculated everything down to the day and put everything where it needed to be and voila! Not exactly. Each month we inseminate we have a 14 day window where we try to keep our cool and not get too excited. And each month we've been disappointed. Although we've been trying for two years, we've really only inseminated about 14 months because of time off and breaks. I have to say at this point we're exhausted. There is very little excitement for Jennie each month to start tracking her ovulation again. The whole process has started to feel more like an obligation or chore than the initial excitement we had. Thank God we have a donor who has been so awesome. Totally willing to accommodate our hectic schedules and continue showing up.
Let me tell you, we have spent many a night talking and crying and talking some more about our lives. Maybe we're not meant to have kids. Maybe that's not in the cards. Maybe we're happy just the two of us with our pets and fostering babies. Maybe we'll adopt through foster care. Maybe we should start looking at private adoption. What about IVF? What are we doing wrong? Why hasn't it happened yet?
So many questions.
And we always come back to wanting to build a family together. We both actually really want a large family. A family that will be full of love. When we look into the future we see holidays full of adult children and our future grand children. We see laughter, love, and of course the occasional struggle or heartache. But we always see a large family. We're not sure what that means or how we're going to get there, but I'm confident it's in the cards.
As of right now, we've decided to put trying to get pregnant on hold for a few months. We're looking at a few different options and frankly we're happy with our little (temporary) family right now. Once we have an idea of the direction we're headed we'll let you all know. But for now we're going to continue to enjoy our summer and just not stress about it.
We'll be taking our first flight with a toddler later this month so that she can meet my family. Wish us luck!
Here's hoping you have some time to enjoy the summer and sunshine.
The last few months have been a whirlwind. We're definitely more and more comfortable with our little one and she has gotten so much more comfortable with us. She's even had the opportunity to meet Jennie's parents and will get a chance to meet my family. We've had a lot of firsts. Her first camping trip, her first trip to the museum, her first movie in a movie theater. All of these firsts are so exciting to be a part of (and a bit nerve wracking before you get there, because you just don't know how it's going to go!). We're also in a really exciting phase developmentally. Her vocabulary and understanding of speech is growing by leaps and bounds by the day. Even her voice sounds less baby like as of recently. She is starting to develop remorse and empathy. Apologizing for things she does that she knows she was not supposed to and telling you that she feels for you if you are hurt or sad. It's so damn cute and amazing all at the same time.
On the flip side we're getting into an even more independent stage where she has to do everything herself. Climbing in and out of the car seat, buckling herself, dressing herself, pouring her juice. All great things, except she sometimes lacks the dexterity necessary for the task and then has a total meltdown if you try to help her--oh toddlers!
A lot of people have been asking us questions about the long term plan. As I've been telling everyone else, we're just not sure. We're pretty confident that she is only with us for the short term fostering (not adoption) and will be returning home, we're just not sure when that will be happening. It would be so much easier if we had a solid timeline--but we knew going into things that that's just not the case. So we continue to love on her and provider her with what she needs and when it's time to transition her home that's what we'll do. Of course we'll be heartbroken and need to work through some grief, but that's what support group is for. We find solace in knowing that we are having some huge impacts in the formation of her neural pathways in her brain and that the stable foundation we're providing will do her well in life.
On another front, we've continued trying to get pregnant through this whole process--which let me tell you is a whole lot more difficult when working around a busy wedding photography season and a toddler's sleep schedule. The whole thing has been a lot less romantic as well and goes something like this:
J: I'm going to ovulate in the next 48 hours.
H: Great, let's email the donor.
J: Okay, but I'm only available during these two very narrow time slots.
H: Great. Our donor can come over during one of those times.
Donor arrives, we take the baby and pets on a drive or go grocery shopping. We return home after the donor leaves.
H: Okay, cool, I'll put the baby to sleep.
J: Great, I'll go try to get pregnant.
H: Good luck, love you.
J: Love you.
End Scene.
Not exactly how we started this journey two years ago, but the whole process has become a lot less fun. We started trying two years ago this month and had really unrealistic expectations. We thought for sure we'd get pregnant in the first few tries. I mean come on. We calculated everything down to the day and put everything where it needed to be and voila! Not exactly. Each month we inseminate we have a 14 day window where we try to keep our cool and not get too excited. And each month we've been disappointed. Although we've been trying for two years, we've really only inseminated about 14 months because of time off and breaks. I have to say at this point we're exhausted. There is very little excitement for Jennie each month to start tracking her ovulation again. The whole process has started to feel more like an obligation or chore than the initial excitement we had. Thank God we have a donor who has been so awesome. Totally willing to accommodate our hectic schedules and continue showing up.
Let me tell you, we have spent many a night talking and crying and talking some more about our lives. Maybe we're not meant to have kids. Maybe that's not in the cards. Maybe we're happy just the two of us with our pets and fostering babies. Maybe we'll adopt through foster care. Maybe we should start looking at private adoption. What about IVF? What are we doing wrong? Why hasn't it happened yet?
So many questions.
And we always come back to wanting to build a family together. We both actually really want a large family. A family that will be full of love. When we look into the future we see holidays full of adult children and our future grand children. We see laughter, love, and of course the occasional struggle or heartache. But we always see a large family. We're not sure what that means or how we're going to get there, but I'm confident it's in the cards.
As of right now, we've decided to put trying to get pregnant on hold for a few months. We're looking at a few different options and frankly we're happy with our little (temporary) family right now. Once we have an idea of the direction we're headed we'll let you all know. But for now we're going to continue to enjoy our summer and just not stress about it.
We'll be taking our first flight with a toddler later this month so that she can meet my family. Wish us luck!
Here's hoping you have some time to enjoy the summer and sunshine.
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